so today is about me..how i was able to live longer..i’ll telll you how..
living in a subdivision where everybody literally knows you is a hard job.. with one false mistake the image of the family falls down.. my mom is one of the board director of our sub..(somewhat)..so it’s natural that i couldn’t make my profile as low as a rat! my every move was watched..which is so fuckingly irritating!!
i had to act too boyish as which is actually not my true identity.. i’m a bit boyish.. a BIT..but not too boyish.. so a lot of my friends are boys..which i see as natural since i grew up trying to be a boy! and they found malice in it as i step into my adolescence! they said i was like this like that..but hell!! they don’t know a damn thing about me!!those stupid midgets!
(ehem ehem..) so i was like proving myself to everyone like “i’m not what you think i am..” and then all of a sudden i’m no longer like that and i was now shouting “screw the world!”.. so that’s how it was like in my 12-16 yrs of living in this subdivision where my feet is so totally rooted and i can’t escape the fact that is no longer the life i’m used to.. well.. i shouldn’t be used to this at all.. and this is the fame part..
apart from being famous and all the crap..i’m like-able.. as they say.. and i don’t want to change that since it’s the only positive thing i’ve heard after the craps and the shitty-smell of those damn gossip-munger.. and so a lot of boys courted me..and as an entertaining person..i entertained them..but not all too funny entertainment.. i somehow got into boys.. then i started going out with some of them..(and got my skin all too burned for it..not that i wasn’t yet tan from all the beach hopping and stuffs..haha!) unfortunately..i’m way too much for them..and this is the price i had to pay for being all too entertaining and so gOddamit famous!
my mom started to think that the best way to stop this mess is to clean my name by and only by making me all too out.. but then again.. she gave me too much freedom that has cause her and me a lot of trouble..darn! i got into such big messes and then made it worse that i had to bully and beat them up to silence them..(i’m your big bad bully..beware!haha!) nobody knew i did that..now you know.. i got too damn depressed and when i get depress it’s a big trouble.. coffins are way too expensive so instead of suicide.. i got into mortification..my body aches so much that when i hurt myself it feels more of a relief..’cause i feel a hot surge in my body..and it makes me feel things and let me think i’m not numb..which in fact i was since my chest feels nothing but pure nothingness..fame and love became too much of a problem and then..(tetetetedteren!!trraadddaa!!POOF!!) here comes someone who said he’ll love me no matter what.. and indeed he did..i told him every thing he had to know.. and i somehow uncover things that i should know that he wasn’t ready to tell me though..(sorry…)
somehow..when you start to regret things..you start to regret your whole life..which i somehow did..i regret the fact that i was laid by someone who shouldn’t have touched me!(i’m so damn disgusted of myself while typing this..so please..just read and read..) and now i can’t give him the whole me anymore..i can’t give him which is truly his! i can’t give him what i can offer him back then if he only came earlier..but then..
past is past.. what’s done is done.. and that is something i can’t change anymore..what’s lost is lost and i wouldn’t be able to retrieve it back..
